The Future That Could of Been: 1 out of 4

January 27. It was a Monday. I woke up early and decided I would take a test. A pregnancy test that is. I was nervous and excited, and pretty much expected it to be negative because it was always negative. My husband was still asleep, so I went into our extra bathroom and did my thing. It was positive. I nearly lost it. I thought about doing something fun to reveal it to Christopher, but I could not contain my excitement. Finally, a positive after months and months of disappointment. We were going to be parents. I was finally going to be a mom. What?! It was very surreal. I could hardly believe it. Other than the fact I was always tired like, haven't slept in 6 months exhausted!

Fast forward two weeks, I finally get to go to the doctor and get the confirmation that my blood test came back positive. Pregnant. Phew. It still was very surreal. Another two weeks wait, and we would get to do the ultrasound. I knew miscarriages where common. They have happened to my family members and other people I know. So I wanted to wait to tell people until we had an ultrasound. But the waiting period was very long, and it became more and more difficult not to tell our parents and close friends. About a week before the ultrasound, we spilled the beans. Well, a picture of me did the bean spilling. Finally, the morning of our ultrasound arrived. It was a Wednesday. February 19, to be exact. Such a surreal experience. We get into the ultrasound room, and the tech fumbles with the TV and finally gets it working so we can see what she is about to show us. We see the ultrasound, and the tech has a sudden change in her face. The baby or fetus or whatever you what to call it stopped growing. But my body didn't it kept going. From the moment she said that, my world was shaken.

Not because I was overwhelmingly sad or distraught, but because of how fast our future shifted from happiness to not right now. When you get this news, you get three options. One, let your body miscarry on its own. Take medicine to start the process. Or get a surgery that removes the pregnancy called D&C. I opted for the surgery and had it scheduled the next day. Of course, I was sad and disappointed because we were so excited to be parents finally. Not that it won't happen in the future, but it won't happen this year. I was so frustrated at my body since it missed the fact that I had a miscarriage. It had no clue that the baby stopped growing two weeks prior. If I didn't get the D&C, my body would eventually miscarry, but it could have taken weeks. WEEKS! I would still be pregnant without having a happy and healthy baby for weeks longer. I was so mad at my body that it couldn't figure out that the baby stopped growing. It just continued to make a home for the baby that was not viable anymore.

1 out of 4. That is how many pregnancies will end in miscarriage, whether it is missed or known.

It is common, and for me, it was helpful to talk about it and tell my close family and friends. It made me feel less alone. It made me know I was not alone even as we go through something so difficult. That might not be the same for you and that is okay.